Posts tagged Screen Time

Telling Better Stories


I am reposting this from my old, old website, to go with the new blog post I’m posting today…

I unintentionally saw “Avatar” this past weekend.  I had thought I remembered that someone I trusted said I “had” to see it.  Oops.
I admit that life without a TV and only seeing a few movies a year for the past ten years has made me pretty picky about the stuff I watch, but still.  What came up for me was this: we need to tell better stories to our children.

Our children, our teenagers, and we ourselves, need to hear stories that orient us, inspire us, and that mobilize us FOR something worth working for.  Could we create a new paradigm, one in which we are working for, not fighting for, something worthwhile?  Instead of telling stories about how to be the Us that’s better, stronger, and smarter than some evil Them, can we figure out how to tell powerful stories where no one has to win and no one has to lose?

It’s pretty well-known by now that the images we create in our minds with words, create actions. Saying “Walk!” works better than saying “Don’t run!” to establish and change behaviour.  When children see, hear, or read certain stories, they try out the behaviours, ideas, and beliefs they are exposed to.  (I know this for sure – in this past week, Grandma read my girl a book about drawing on walls with markers, and my little girl took to the walls for the first time in her almost 5 years.)  Do you think that if we start to tell and choose stories of cooperation, problem solving, people uniting for the common good, that we might begin to change the way we think about our collective future?
I hear the chorus of voices (I’ve heard them often in my life) saying “Lisa Kathleen, you are too idealistic!  It is human nature to polarize, to compete, to need to kill to win, to need a bad guy!”  I say DITCH that idea. I believe human nature is evolving, but more than that, I believe that if it isn’t, it can. I believe it because I cannot be the only one out here who believes in peace without needing to blame war on anyone. I cannot be the only one out here who wants to watch stories of solutions that don’t need losers. I cannot be the only one who craves a new story, not just new special effects. (I didn’t even get to watch the 3-D version of Avatar, by the way. Some say that if I had, I could have forgiven the whole thing. Somehow, I don’t think so…)
Here are some ways to tell better stories to your children.  1) Tell YOUR stories.  Your childhood, your learnings, your adventures.  The mistakes you made.  How you do things differently now.  The insight you gained.  2) Tell THEIR stories.  Their birth.  Their birthdays.  Their accidents.  Their adventures.  3) Tell their ancestors’ stories.  Find out everything you can, and tell those stories.  If there are learnings associated with them, great.  If not, that’s okay, too.  The connection that children gain from knowing where they came from is key.
What you will notice as you tell these stories is that children, especially young children who haven’t been exposed to our typical cultural stories, don’t need great battles.  They don’t need a bad guy for them to be interested in the story.  They don’t even need much plot.  What they need are stories that orient them to themselves, to their place in the world, and to what’s going on inside of themselves.  (You may have heard me talk before about orienting as one of the primary roles of a parent.  Children attach to adults through orientation.  When we orient our children in the world, we deepen their connection to us.  When our children know that we are the ones who can help them understand what’s happening inside, and outside, themselves, they consistently turn to us for insight.)
When children watch movies, read books, or hear the stories you tell them, they take away understandings about the world.  If the story shares certain paradigms (The bottom line is Us versus Them or Might makes Right) then children, who are gathering information to create their framework for understanding how the world works, use that information to orient themselves in the world.
I am inspired by thoughts about what would happen if we applied this tool to our choices of movies, books, and TV programs for our children.  What if we chose stories whose implicit messages and paradigms say “There is always a respectful solution,” or “When people work together, amazing things can happen”?  What if the bottom line was that when we change common cultural beliefs, we can change the world?
I believe that parenting for sustainability involves sharing models of finding solutions that work.  We’ve spent enough time and energy with quick-fix, might-makes-right solutions that don’t create sustainable relationships on any level.  Let’s share stories that lead to different endings.
Please comment below to share books, movies, or other stories that you know of that inspire us with different paradigms.

Help Your Child Develop Initiative, Concentration & Independent Play Skills (& Wean from the Screen!)

Baking Cookies

The hardest part of helping your child develop initiative, concentration, and independent play skills is the beginning, especially if you are already in the habit of using a screen to keep your child busy when you need to get things done, or when a younger sibling needs quiet time for a nap.

In my experience, the quickest and easiest way to get rid of the screens is to get rid of the screens:). Yup, that’s right – cold turkey. Those of you that know me well, know that for lots of things, I’m all about gradual. But, for things that are addictive, that change body or brain chemistry, and that are super-stimulating, it’s often really important to get the effects of the thing out of the child’s system so that your child has the best chance of adapting easily to the new situation. (I would say the same thing for artificial colours and flavours, gluten, and dairy, for example, for a child sensitive to these things). AND, we all know that at some point, most humans these days will need or want to use technology, and we also know that this can be done in a healthy way. Stay tuned for a blog post about how to establish screen-related guidelines and self-regulation skills for older children, AFTER initiative, concentration, and independent play skills are firmly established.

Now, before and after you get rid of the screens, you will need to do some really important leg work. Here are some key pieces:

1) Set up your home with developmentally-appropriate things for your child to do. Once your child shifts away from using the screen for entertainment, his or her initiative will naturally return and he or she will start to find things to do. This piece is the most important one, and it will take time and effort to find the right things to bring into your home to inspire your child’s initiative and concentration.

Here are three tools to help:

The Joyful Child and Child of the World books. (I have some extra copies of these – if you are in Calgary, Canada, give me a call to buy from me.)

My Summer Sanity Saver audio and workbook – it has lists of the kinds of indoor and outdoor activities that are perfect for each age group.

Most importantly, your own observation of your child. If your child likes taking lids off things, provide a variety of things for your child to take lids off of:). Think: “How can I say “YES” to this activity?” and offer ways for your child to do the activities he or she is wanting to do.

2) For the first couple of weeks, focus on things your child doesn’t get to do all the time: pull out a pile of empty boxes, blankets, and pillows for building large forts, prep for water-play or playdough, bake or cook with your child, spend extra time outside, take a long bath, or bring out some new books. For the first while, you will need to spend lots of time engaging your child in the activity, and keeping him or her company. Depending on your child’s personality, he or she will eventually move away from you and play independently, but remember that every child is different this way. Your child may be more successful playing close beside you than playing in a different room. Give your child lots of time and support to build up these skills. Plan extra support for your child during the first few weeks after you get rid of the screens. If you need the time that used to be your child’s screen time for your baby to nap, ask grandma or auntie or a friend for a screen-free playdate at that time for the first week or two to help your child be successful.

3) If your child is super active, be sure to go outside for an hour or two of hiking, climbing, walking, running, bike-riding, etc, every day to help him or her be more settled during indoor time.

4) Share your values with your child and stick with them – and do your very best to get buy-in from the beginning. (Do this proactively, when your child is out with you at the park, or in a happy mood, not when your child is melting down because you won’t turn Dora on.) If you believe that screen-time affects brain development, tell your child that you love him very much, and you want him to have a strong and smart brain. Tell him that screen time makes it harder for children’s brains to be strong and smart, so you want him to do things that help his brain be strong. Ask him if he will work with you to find new things to do instead of screen time. Tell him he will miss the TV/iPad/video games at first, but after a little while, you and his strong and smart brain will work together to help him find other things that he loves doing. At times when he’s sad or mad about no screen time, say, “I know, it’s hard to do things a different way, and TV can be fun. I know you miss TV time today!” Give him time to be sad, then help him focus on all the other things that he could be doing, and help to engage him in another activity.

5) Do daily things with your child, from the beginning. Cooking and cleaning involve lots of tools, and children love tools. Get child-sized tools and plan ways to integrate your child into the activity. Most young children will love tearing lettuce, washing dishes (yes, the kitchen will get wet), or spraying things with a spray bottle while you clean.

6) Brainstorm with your child and make lists of things that your child loves to do. When your child complains of being bored, get out the lists and go through them to choose something.

7) Be okay with boredom. If your child complains of being bored, and can’t think of anything to do, commiserate a bit, then move on, “That’s tricky. Being bored is boring…”

8) Build your community. If your children’s closest friends don’t do much screen time either, your child won’t be repeatedly drawn in to screen-related conversations, and will have independent-play skills modeled by friends, as well.

9) When you decide to unplug, do your best to limit your own screen time, too. Build your relationship with your child, work on staying present, and clear your plate so that you can support your child’s transition. It’s hard for your child to see you on the computer if you’re telling him or her NOT to be!

Okay, so those are the keys – please share below what has worked for you, and any questions that you have!

(And, for more information about my Summer Sanity Saver audio and workbook, which will walk you through the foundation for helping your child develop initiative, concentration, and independent play skills, all year long, click here.)




Screen Time: What’s the Big Deal? Is it REALLY that Bad?


The negative effect of screen time on children is something I feel strongly about, and I also know that, as a parent, it is so easy to get on the slippery slope of screen time and use the TV as a babysitter.

Here’s why those hours of undisturbed time for you aren’t worth it. My next blog post will walk you through some ideas about how to help your child develop the ability to do without.

Screen time, for many, many children (people) is addictive. For young children, especially, it is very easy to cross the threshold of “too much” and for them to get into that place of begging for screen time.

To me, the biggest issue with screen time is the opportunity cost – childhood is the time, developmentally, when a human being NEEDS to be living in the real world. The physical, mental, and social developmental windows are short and specific, and our culture already limits options in those areas significantly.


Here are just a few of the sensitive periods for children that can be negatively impacted by screen time:

1) Physical Development. Children between 0 and 6 are in a sensitive period for learning to use their bodies. Balance, flexibility, fine motor and gross motor skills are developed now. Children need this time to practice everything from rolling over to sitting up to crawling to walking to running to dancing, to climbing, etc, etc, etc. If you spend a few hours in a mall these days, you will see many, many people, especially teens, whose bodies are hunched, imbalanced, and whose walk – the most basic of human movements – is awkward. These basics are developed naturally and easily when the child is between 0 and 6, and, especially in today’s culture, they need every minute they can get. And of course, the obesity epidemic among children of all ages is largely caused by the lack of movement caused by excessive screen time.


2) Concentration. A child’s ability to concentrate develops with practice, between the ages of 0 and 6. Screen time PULLS the child’s attention, at a time when a child needs to practice DIRECTING the attention towards something developmentally appropriate that inspires interest and concentration. Even after screen time is over, a child’s mind often replays the story, and a child often spends time focused on how to get more screen time (begging, crying, asking 1000 times), both of which multiply the negative effect of the screen time.


3) Imagination. For a young child, the primary form of imagination is imitation. Because the screen’s relationship with the brain is so powerful, things that have entered the brain during screen time often stay in the mind more powerfully than real life experiences, causing the child to replay a specific screen-based story over and over again in play. Developmentally, children, who have experienced so little of life need to imitate real life at this age, not screen-based stories. Children from about 6 and up have reached a new level of imagination – the ability to imagine more abstract things, like the past, the future, very small things (atoms and molecules), very large things (the entire Universe), and how thoughts and ideas create actions. At this age, play-based stories should be very malleable, changing as children interact, created from scratch and full of each character’s decisions and choices.


4) Social skills. Research shows that there is an inverse relationship between imagination and aggression – the more imagination a child has, the less aggressive he or she is. The kind of free-ranging imaginative play described above helps the older child build social understanding, explore internal human processes, and explore the human range of emotions. It builds creativity and problem-solving skills, the foundations of building win-win social situations.


Some parents argue that having no screen time (sugar/wheat/dairy/artificially-coloured or flavoured foods) means that the child will never develop the ability to self-regulate with these items. Some children have a better ability for self-regulations, but many, many children don’t. Differences in body chemistry and brain dynamics mean that exposure affects different people differently.

In the long-run, outright parent-driven denial of these things will have a negative impact on children’s ability to self-regulate. BUT for a young child, under the age of 6, and especially for many children who have strong physical or behavioural reactions to some or all of these items, it is really, really important that the child spend the earliest years of life feeling what healthy and normal and internally motivated feels like in his or her body and brain. When the child is 6 or above, and old enough to have the ability to step back and observe how those things feel in the body or brain, is the time to give the child the opportunity to learn how these things affect him or her. Then, share information about what you’ve observed, share why you choose not to use these things yourself, and keep the conversation going by listening to your child’s reasons for wanting those things. In my experience, setting the example, sharing loving, respectful, informative, research-based conversations, providing developmentally-appropriate alternative treats and activities, and giving children opportunities to see the effects on themselves or others will get most children on board with minimizing the exposure to these things in their lives.


Keep your eyes open for my next blog post, which will give you some specific ideas about how to wean a child off of screen time, and how to prevent it from becoming too big an influence in your lives in the first place.


AND, if you really need some support with this, check out my Summer Sanity Saver HERE. I was thinking this morning I should have called it Winter Sanity Saver, because so many of the ideas for rainy days are so perfect for this time of year, and because the general concepts are key all year long. If you want to help your child develop concentration, initiative, and independent play skills during those long indoor days, you will LOVE the Summer Sanity Saver this winter!

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